Austin, TX
In accordance with a recently proposed bill by the Texas state legislature, truck drivers in the state will now have mandatory access to newly created on-premise bathroom pits and dungeons during any commercial pickup or delivery. The bill, which attracted bipartisan support, mimics a law recently passed by Washington state allowing drivers access to indoor bathrooms. However, some Texas lawmakers felt that bill went too far in scope. “I’m all for granting these hard-working, truck-driving Americans the basic right of using the restroom, but not at the expense of a private big-box employer, who may not see eye to eye with an independent contractor they cannot put their thumb on should they question their authority or leave the toilet seat up,” said state rep Morgan Luttrell. “As such, we’ve created what we feel are facilities that are separate, but equal, to those inside the premises of our corporate partners,” added Luttrell.
“It’s dehumanizing,” stated flatbed driver Vivek Gupta. “I sometimes have to drive 600 miles straight through to make a delivery on time. If I stop to refuel or take a whiz, I’ll have some sniveling broker blowing me up asking why the truck isn’t moving. So I push on with the expectation of being granted access to a restroom at delivery, but they are equally unaccepting of my needs. I feel like Forrest Gump on the grade school bus most of the time—you know, ‘this stall’s taken, you can’t shit here’ sort of attitude.”
The dungeons themselves currently exist in a legal gray area devoid of federal safety regulations, leaving some drivers exposed to potential hazards. While using a dungeon on delivery in San Marcos, TX last week, expedited box truck driver Kiril Orlov survived an attack by a pack of coyotes inhabiting the cavernous space. While Orlov was able to fend off the feral animals and escape with moderate injuries, he arrived late to his second delivery, incurring a rate reduction from his contracted broker. Other recent safety reports document an Amarillo, TX driver losing his non-driving foot to a rattlesnake attack, and a set of team cargo van drivers perishing after being wholly engulfed by dungeon quicksand at an Elgin, TX distribution center.
In the opinion of most shippers, the provided facilities are an adequate resource. “The dungeon isn’t much different from your modern-day indoor bathroom. The deep underground descent keeps it climate-controlled and naturally illuminated by scant rays of sunlight. They have the standard fecal holes and urine ditches to accommodate your needs, and an overhang runoff trickle to wash your hands when you’re done. Personally, I don’t get what all the pushback is about,” remarked dock manager Jerry Starnes. “We’ve evolved past the days of a driver getting shuffled to the bottom of the dock queue for having the temerity to look you in the eye and ask how long it’ll take to get a door, so it’s a natural progression to offer them a place to conduct their business while they wait—albeit at the farthest edge of our property line.”
“We understand that truck drivers are the straws that stir the drink for us as a corporation and the national economy as a whole,” commented an AI company CEO. “They have basic needs. These aren’t sleepless humanoids powering the rig that can forego the need to recharge, eat, or use the restroom. Granted, we are striving hard to make that exact scenario possible, and boy oh boy will the profits be sweet when we do, but for now, I guess let these prima donnas have a ditch to call their own,” he added, chuckling during a post-nap massage.
For now, drivers will have to accept this policy change as a sign of progress. “I’m always looking for a silver lining,” stated long-haul driver Horace Koch. “In a year where spot rates have bottomed out and fuel prices are surging, this feels like a much-needed victory. The dungeons may be more unsafe than a long-abandoned mineshaft, but they belong to us—the truckers—so long as a Bandidos gang member hasn’t set up shop there in an attempt to extort us for access.”
Next up on the docket for lawmakers is a bill addressing the current shortage of overnight truck parking spaces. The proposed legislation would reroute drivers unable to find parking to nearby fracking fields.
