Forecasting by Madame Bachepeau
Aries: March 21 – April 19
Familiar pangs of holiday melancholy and rejection will resurface when your truckload of Peeps arrives to deliver on April 6th.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Celestial discord suggests that in an unfortunate irony, Strong Solo is merely the given birthname of the narcoleptic driver you will hire for your cross-country hotshot.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Despite planetary alignment suggesting otherwise, you should have known better than to double-stack those 60 pallets of quail eggs.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22
The stars are indicating in the near future, dry vans will cost $4 per mile, reefers $5 per mile, and a heavy haul RGN will cost you a pound of flesh for every mile driven.

Leo: July 23 – August 22
A certified Hazmat driver is fully capable of handling your corrosive battery cargo, but simply will not be equipped to accept your toxic life advice.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
A combination of the sun harmonizing with Saturn, procrastination, and a tight capacity market will lead you to booking the last remaining container slot for your avocados on the slow boat to China.

Libra: September 23 – October 22
Your dedication to the bottom line will reach its tipping point when you ship a kidney donated for an emergency transplant via LTL carrier.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Though not specifically referenced in the exit interview, your habit of picking up and touching every piece of fruit you plan to purchase will likely be the reason for your dismissal as produce receiving clerk.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
While Neptune begins its retrograde, your cool CB radio name will reveal itself when you combine the name of your favorite childhood pet with the street name of the first house you were forcefully evicted from.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
$50 per hour for detention is a costly expense, but it’s a pittance compared to what you’ll pay your psychoanalyst after a freight week like this one.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Your fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants attitude and commitment to not sweating the small details will enhance your aura and reveal to your co-workers exactly what you have become: the world’s least successful logistician.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Mercury’s proximity to the sun suggests that you will come to realize that the best years of your life truly are behind you upon the expiration of your two-year non-compete clause.